SHINee‘s Jonghyun passed away on December 18. On December 19, Dear Cloud‘s Nine, who is a friend of Jonghyun, wrote on her SNS, “Jonghyun recently started talking to me about dark and deep feelings. I think every single day was hard for him. I was worried, so I let his family know and tried to console him, but I could only delay the time and wasn’t able to stop him.”
She continued, “Jonghyun asked me to share this letter when he disappears from the world. I had wished this day would never come… After talking with his family, I am posting his will according to his last words.”
Below is the full text of Jonghyun’s will as Nine posted:
I am broken from the inside.
Depression, which was eating me away, has devoured me in the end,
and I could not beat it.
I hated myself. I held on to my broken memories and shouted at myself to pull it together, but there was no answer.
I asked who could take care of me.
I was utterly alone.
(Ending one’s life) is easier said than done.
Which is why I’ve stayed alive until now.
(You) said I wanted to run away.
Right. I wanted to run away.
I asked who’s there. Said it’s me. Again, said it’s me. And again said it’s me.
I asked why I kept losing memories. I was told it’s because of my personality. Right. So, in the end, it’s all my fault.
I wanted you to notice, but no one knew. Of course you don’t know that I even exist since you never met me.
I asked, why do you live? No reason. No reason. Everyone lives for no reason.
If you ask me why I died, I’ll say I was tired.
I was haunted and agonized. I never learned how to turn endless pain into joy.
Pain is just pain.
You scolded me not to do it.
Why? Why can’t I even end (my life) the way I want to?
You told me to find out why I am sick.
I know it too well. I am sick because of myself. It’s all my fault and it’s because I am worthless.
Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear?
No. I did nothing wrong.
I thought it was easy to be a doctor when you blamed my personality with that sweet voice of yours.
It’s amazing how I am so sick to this point. People who are more troubled than me keep on living. People who are weaker than me keep on living. That’s not true. There is no one alive who is more troubled and weaker than I am.
But you told me to keep on living.
I asked hundreds of times why, and it wasn’t for me. It was for you.
I wanted to live for me.
Please stop saying stupidities.
Find out why I’m troubled? I told you many times why I’m troubled. That’s not enough to trouble me this much? Do I need a more specific drama? More stories?
I told you already. Are you sure you weren’t half-listening? What you can overcome doesn’t leave a scar.
I was not fit to face the world.
I wasn’t meant to be known to the world.
That’s why I was troubled. Because I faced the world and was known. Why did I choose this way. It’s funny.
It’s hard to believe that I’ve held out until now.
What more can you say. Just tell me I did a good job.
That I’ve done well enough. Tell me I worked hard.
You might not be able to smile, but don’t blame me when you send me away.
You really worked hard.
[Image source: SM Entertainment]